Mystical Experiencer: Female in late fifties
Current location: Canada
Age at time of experience: 21
I was visiting my boyfriend’s mother in Montreal while he was away up north working. An old friend of the family was staying there for the weekend. He was a man in his seventies who had studied the bible for fifty years or so. I wanted to talk to him because I disagreed with some of the teaching of the Catholic faith I was brought up in. Well we talked about love instead.
I can't remember much of the conversation except that he said that love was often a selfish emotion. We love others because they please us. They please our senses, something on those lines. After we talked for a while I started feeling uncomfortable, actually sick to my stomach. I excused myself and left the apartment and went for a walk.
As I was walking late at night I realized that all my life, I never really loved anyone; not even the man I was living with. I am the youngest child of a large family and was raised wanting for nothing. I was loved by everybody around me. Perhaps I was a bit spoiled. Anyway I grew up to be a lovee never a lover.
When I left my parents’ home to live on my own, I sometimes became very frustrated because they were not there to cater to my every whim. So I would become angry and tell God I hated my life and did not want to live anymore. Within a few seconds of thinking these thoughts, I would tell him that I did not mean it. Who knows, He might have actually zapped me dead. So I believe.
As I reached a city park, I sat down. I had such bad cramps in my stomach I could barely walk anymore. As I sat there in the dark, I talked to the God of my understanding at the time and told Him that if I was to live a life without ever experiencing what love was really about, then I did not want to live anymore. So I calmly waited in total surrender for God to take my life. This time I was not afraid of death. There was no fear at all.
Suddenly, the pain in my stomach vanished. Simultaneously my whole being was infused with love. It's like every cell in my body was filled with love. It was “mind blowing”. This incredible blessing was not only physical but also emotional, intellectual and spiritual.
It is very hard to write about because words seem to diminish somewhat the experience. The best way I can explain it, is by writing what it wasn't. It was not like the warmth in my heart that I experienced watching my infant son sleeping after I became a mother. Or the feeling of euphoria one can get after taking certain drugs. Or the feeling of peace and comfort I felt a few times sitting, reflecting in a beautiful church somewhere. Perhaps it was a close encounter with the Divine. I know it was!
I believe I was not “randomly chosen” to experience the event I just described (if that is actually possible), but that I was listened to and answered by “God” in the most unexpected and loving way possible. I have been and still am truly blessed. I have no recollection of what happened after the event. I don't remember leaving the park and going back to the apartment.