Mystical Experiencer: Female in early forties
Current location: Greece
Age at time of experience: 37
After my awakening moment, when I felt as if the vail has been taken off before my eyes – the initial reaction was a deeply felt desire to give of myself to others, to serve in any way that I can. Thought came into my mind that I have been given such a gift (experience of cancer) so I can reconstruct my life, myself. I have wished for 7 years to find work of meaning, where I could contribute to the world, to my family, to really serve my Soul purpose here, but despite my experience, qualifications, trying hard – nothing came my way. And now, that I was put in a situation where I will not be able to search for work – since I had no breast, no hair (due to the breast cancer), I would be put under medication, and I would have to do many operations…in other words, all my outside “tools” were taken away from me….I felt I was stripped down naked with nothing to hang on to, with nowhere to go but inside…. And what I found on the inside is this enormous desire to just give ….give of me….whatever I had…to others….And for the first time in many years, I felt I had so much to give.
Days before my mystical experience were spent in yearning for God. I cried from sorrow finally realizing my own ego traps, my sins, and I cried from greatness of what was revealing itself to me. I purposefully opened my heart, and focused on my heart, I did everything I could to fill myself up with God, every minute of every day. I simply followed my instincts on what to do, I did not know any steps on how to do it. I did all I could to purify myself, empty myself and then fill myself up with God. I was grateful beyond words for all that I was, and all that I am.
I remember asking Holy Spirit to enter me….I am not a religious person but somehow to call upon a Holy Spirit is exactly what I felt like doing. And I asked with my heart being stretched in pain and sorrow about my “sins”, and with it being raw and open to receive whatever I was worthy to receive.
I remember at some point I was 'pushed' into a present moment and I stayed there for days. I finally understood what it meant to be here and now, and out of that sense of true connection with others and everything came about.
In my continuing desire to serve, my days were filled with reaching out to others, organizing projects…often I was under heavy pain, but I felt carried by a much stronger force, so none of it mattered. At times, when the pain was too much to bear, I would take a medicine similar to morphine, which normally results in one's losing the ability to think clearly. Also, people usually just go to sleep. Despite the medicine, I remember frantically writing, wide awake, full of clarity with the words were flowing through me with no conscious effort.
All this happened over perhaps 3 weeks or so.
My mystical experience happened when I was walking. I remember looking around feeling deep sense of gratefulness for life around me. I don't remember how the experience started or when it finished….I don't remember having specific thoughts at the time, but a sense of admiration, awe, clarity, expansion…..colors were vivid, and the air was thicker but lighter. I could sense the energy moving in a most wonderful way, everywhere….although I could not see it. I was aware of everything without focusing on anything. I had the feeling of very expansive love and connection to everything. I remember not having a clear sense of me but of all. I mean, not that I disappeared but somehow the sense of 'I' faded away and there was a sense of being part of, belonging, being one.
It all made sense. The way the world is is perfect and there is no need to fix it. It is all just, and all the way it should be. I felt this although I cannot now conceptually explain it.
Looking back, this probably lasted a few minutes but the feelings of humility, love, expansion, gratefulness, sense of belonging, and even deeper desire to serve others continued for many, many months on with a great intensity.